As I arose from my knees I felt a cold breeze come over me. I shook and shivered it was so dark I forgot my surroundings and bearings. Where was I and why was I here? Slowly my mind began to remember, I was in the restroom, down the hall fro my mother;s room, a room that represented saddness and pain to me. I looked into the mirror and a face looked back riddled with tears and red eyes. IT suddenly dawned on me that I would need to go back into the room where all this pain was coming from. The room where my mommy was dying.
After collecting myself I took the seemingly long walk back to my mommy’s hospital roo. As I entered there was a nurse clearing her breathing tube which was such a sad and horrific ordeal not just for me but more so for her. To this day I still cannot bear to remember the look of agony on her face as they pulled that tube out to clear it. It hurt me so bad I still turn away to cry.
After the nurse finished, I went to my mom’s bedside and layed beside her, wrapping my arms around her body and telling her how much I loved her, (although she didn’t seem to hear or notice me). Dymensia is such a mean unforgiving disease. It ton’s you and makes you feel literally helpless and leaves a sense of hopelessness that never leaves and can never be truly understood. My mom’s eyes would look straight ahead as if she were looking at something else. As I held her, and told her how \ much I loved her I my greatest fear in this whole world came to fruition, knowing that my mommy was going to die. The pain was becoming more unbearable, God why don’t you stop her pain, why are you letting her die in this matter, what kind of God are you? d If you truly loved her why do you let her suffer in this matter? Is this how you treat those who love you so much? NO. I couldn’t believe that even if I wanted to, for to do so would discredit everything my mom had even taught me.
I had to go, but how do yo leave someone whose very life became your life, who loved you so much she would have taken a bullet for you, how do you say good-bye to the love of your life, you don’t. You take that part of her with you that taught you to be the very best of who you are and with tears in your eyes turn and walk away, that next time you see her it would be her calling to you and saying trish, I knew you would make it! As I turned the corner of her room she all of a sudden looked up and smiled at me. Then as quick as she looked up and smiled she looked straight ahead again. As I exited the room I knew I would never see my mother again, this was the end of her journey on this earth, now it was up to me to make the decisions of life on my own. For the first time in my life I was scarred, truly scarred.
As I left for the airport, all I could do was cry. It seemed the saddest music as playing over the loudspeaker. I sat down with my toughest centered on my mommy. Oh God why, why now, why her, why not me.
Upon arriving home, I called every every hour. The next day was Sunday and early in the morning the phone rang. I knew who it was and was it was about. I answered the phone and remained silent. Trish, my sister said ‘She’s gone”. Now I knew for sure I would have to travel this life alone, oh mommy, how do I go on without you.